How To Stop Trying So Hard

What does rest actually mean for someone who is ambitious?

The New Yorker

I’ve been dealing with this question myself. Eight Grade is one of those rare films that seems to capture teen angst and childlike uncertainty in a way that, though it’s a reflection of a long time ago for me, still mirrors how many ambitious adults feel. As an ambitious creative entrepreneur, it can often feel like your work is never done. It would seem that you tend to feel like you’re behind even if you’re right on track. Some people can run on that feeling. Some even crave it. However, if you’re a neurodivergent individual, that notion becomes less sustainable as time goes on.

Why is it that neurodivergent people might find it so difficult to rest, anyway? 

Here are some reasons that I’ve found:

1. Sensory Sensitivities

2. Executive Dysfunction

3. Masking and Social Exhaustion (Burnout)

4. Co-occuring Conditions

5. Melatonin and Circadium Rythms

6. Emotional Dysregulation

Sensory Sensitivities 

Being too cold, being too hot, wearing itchy pajamas, or even not fully decompressing from your sensory input throughout the day all can contribute to it being difficult to wind down. 

Executive Dysfunction 

I admit, it can be difficult to go to sleep simply because it requires multiple steps. That’s the rough part about executive dysfunction, dear reader. You can’t just lie down and go to sleep. Oftentimes, there’s prepping a multi-step skincare routine, putting your clothes away, brushing your teeth, tying up your hair (if you’re Black), and setting yourself up for a smooth morning routine in preparation for the following day. A nighttime routine can take nearly an extra hour. That’s just pertaining to actually going to sleep. Don’t even get me started with the planning ahead required to take a day off of work!

From Vogue

Masking and Social Exhaustion

For many neurodiverse individuals, masking is a keen way of survival. When you are both neurodivergent and marginalized, masking becomes a crucial way of blending in with people who are not neurodivergent and/or of maintaining social connection. Personally, I have found value in masking within professional spaces. However, it can be exhausting. Masking is double the work, and once your mask slips, there are often consequences. Over time, being on “ten” can be difficult to work out of your body. Not only does sleeping become difficult, but being in a state of rest when you’re around people you trust or in your own company can be, too.

Co-occurring Conditions 

Unfortunately, many neurodivergencies can correlate with physical ailments such as GERD, low blood pressure, and insomnia. When it comes to finding the right circumstances for rest, many find it difficult to do so because our bodies are…frankly…extremely needy.

Melatonin and Circadium Rhythms

Did you know that neurodivergent people are less likely to produce sufficient melatonin? That one sent me for a loop when I found out, too. Melatonin is what allows your mind to be at rest for a healthy sleep cycle. If you can’t fall or stay asleep, your lack of melatonin might be throwing off your circadium rhythm.

Emotional Dysregulation

If you’re like me, you find it difficult to sit still because you, among other reasons, tend to feel anxious when not in motion. As an artist and entrepreneur, I have had to have some brutal reckonings with the younger version of myself who stayed busy because she wanted validation. That’s what it was. Sure, I loved what I was doing—the clarinet recitals, Honors courses in subjects I was genuinely interested in, and cheerleading competitions were some of my favorite childhood experiences—but I’d be lying if I said I did all of it for myself. I realized eventually that I, in my adult body, had been operating like a child still aiming for approval from her caregivers. 

For the reasons I’ve listed here, it can be exceptionally difficult for neurodivergent adults to relax in our fully optimized, self-aware, adult bodies.

That being said, I’ve realized that we can be patient with ourselves as we approach these “softer” lives. Our nervous systems are not going to recover all at once. They need to recalibrate. We’ve got new tools at our disposal. Now, we just need to learn how to use them.

Thank you for reading this week’s newsletter. Also, I have a special announcement:

My digital Controlled Chaos Workbook is LIVE for pre-order only for a short time. I’m letting my subscribers get first dibs on this discounted price because this community is sacred. And that is because of compassionate people who want to make their lives better.

About the Workbook:

I made this 30-page workbook for busy brains with chaotic schedules and big dreams. It’s a gentle map for nonlinear minds. As an autistic artist, I need more structures and systems that work for my brain, and figured someone else could use that too. Here’s to making the chaos work for us!

Pre-Order the Controlled Chaos Workbook Here!

-CM